Carry on Carrying on.
I've had a week off from writing. I have had aunty Tre down. Which has been wonderful as always. I have been out and about, not a million miles from home, but still pushing those boundaries.
One of my targets is to be able to make it to the hospital. Having three kids, and me being like I am, I think the fact that I cant make it to the hospital should I need to plays on my mind a lot. As a parent, and as a citizen of a first world country with state of the art healthcare, it is important to be able to access a hospital for treatment if necessary.
I seem to have a habit of going a long long long way round when I try to go anywhere. I will take back routes, through semi-rural roads and lanes, in order to avoid things such as traffic lights, roundabouts and the potential for heavy traffic. This adds loads of time to the journey, obviously, but at the moment, its the only way I am able to make it.
So off we went 'for a drive'. The aim was to make it to the hospital, although we didnt confirm that with each other. I never dare say out loud where I am going, or where I am trying to reach. I simply leave it as 'going for a drive'. Then if I make my goal, thats brilliant. If I dont, its fine, I am simply out for a drive, and that is what I have done.
I didnt make the hospital. I did, however, make it as far as the roundabout before the hospital. Which is the furthest I have been since being in the cuckoos nest. So since early 2014. I guess that in itself should be an achievement, although I do still feel a tinge of failure that I was so close and yet still so far.
Im not giving up there though. I shall carry on trying to make it, I have made it that far, it would take me literally a minute at the most to make it to the hospital from there. Thats what I need to hold on to. So close. Closer than I've been in ages.
I made it there through using distraction techniques, asking Tre to talk to me about something if I felt the anxiety and panic start to rise. Bless her, sometimes we'd have just been sat there listening to music and admiring the scenery, and all of a sudden Id almost bark at her 'talk to me! Quick!'. I don't know how she pulled topics to talk about out of thin air, but she did!
I also attempted to use mindfulness. I am still very much a beginner when it comes to mindfulness, but with the little bits I have been doing, I have found it the most effective therapy for me so far. Whilst CBT works to change your way of thinking, and alter your thoughts and words, mindfulness encourages you to accept the thoughts and feelings, yet remain grounded, concentrating on you in right this second. Not what 'might' happen to you in a minute, five minutes, an hour, a week or a month ahead. But right now. And you can accept that you are anxious. You can accept that you are panicking. But RIGHT NOW, right this second, you are fine. Don't concentrate of what may happen. Concentrate on the present, and face what 'may' happen if it happens.
I think I prefer mindfulness, as CBT is essentially reinforcing to you that your thoughts and feelings are wrong. It encourages you to change your way of thinking, which almost makes me feel like there is something wrong with me, something that needs to change. That I am wrong. I don't explain that very well. I know for lots and lots of people, CBT is a very effective therapy, and has helped them loads. But as with medication, I dont think there is a 'one size fits all' approach that works with psychological therapy. You need to find what works for you, by trying something, sticking with it for a while to give it a chance to work, then try something else if that particular therapy is not successful for you. For me, CBT is the mirtazapine of the therapy world. It didnt work, it made me feel worse, it made me feel like my thinking was disordered and that I was wrong in thinking like I did, despite not being able to help it.
Mindfulness, however, doesn't make me feel like that. I feel like it empowers me to accept my thoughts and feelings. They are not wrong. I do not have to battle with myself to change them. I do not have to get myself worked up because I 'failed' in not being able to change my thoughts, and not being able to banish them. Mindfulness is about accepting those thoughts. But in a controlled and rational way which actually works. For me. It works for me. I cant say that will be the same for everyone, but if you are struggling and havent tried it, then give mindfulness a go and just see how you get on. Theres nothing to lose and everything to gain!
