A Slice of Normality.

The Following Years.

I am now proud mama to three children. Me and Lew are getting on well. Money is tight, although we had enough to get by.

Following the birth, I settled back into a life without panic attacks or anxiety. Nothing above normal levels anyway. I enrolled in a few Open University courses, and attended tutorials, meeting new people and getting out of the house.

 

As I mentioned in a previous blog, I had always dreamt of being a midwife. I had done a stint as a health care assistant, I had my GCSEs, and a new university had opened in my home town. I had no excuse not to go for it.

 

Looking online I saw that I fit the eligibility criteria, and I submit an application. I really wasn't expecting to hear back. Midwifery was a notoriously difficult course to get on to, and I expected to be rejected, but use any feedback to make a proper application the following year. The baby was still only a baby at the time, but to my shock, they were crazy enough to invite me to an interview.

Again, there was no anxiety about the interview selection day above what would be considered normal.

The day consisted of group interviews, individual interviews, maths and English tests, role play, tours of the hospital and maternity wards, and group projects.

The interview day finished at 5pm, and I jumped straight into the car and drove off to Centerparcs for the weekend, just me and Lew. We used to go away a lot, both with and without the kids. I would go no more than about a month without having at least one weekend away somewhere.

 

Lew had proposed to me a little bit before having the baby. We started to talk more seriously about getting married, and eventually booked it up. The venue, honeymoon, dresses, suits and caterers were all booked/bought and paid for. Invites went out.

But... It was to be a small wedding. Just our immediate families. So about 15 people altogether. Whilst I tried to convince myself that this is what I wanted, I know deep down that it was really because I was too worried about having to stand up in front of a crowd of people and speak. The thought of doing it in front of just our parents and siblings was bad enough, but I couldn't face the thought of doing it in front of any more than necessary.

 

Well. Less than a month before the wedding, and when the baby was still only 11months old, totally out of the blue, Lew left me. He got up one morning, and simply said he had met someone else whilst at work. Nothing had happened between them, but he wanted to pursue a relationship with her, and he was leaving. Well, this knocked me for six. I had totally taken for granted the fact that we were going to be together forever. We had known each other and been best friends for almost 10 years, we had been through so much together. I genuinely thought we were soul mates and would grow old and wrinkly together.

 

Although it was easily the worst time of my life, somehow I muddled through each day. I don't recall any anxiety at the time. Just a deep dark depression that lasted almost a year. Lew and the girl he left me for were now in a relationship, and I just struggled to function.

 

The day Lew left me, I received a letter through the door. I'd only been offered a position at university to study midwifery. They only went and chose me!! I cried I was so happy! And made several phonecalls telling people I had been offered a position, which was a shock to my family, who didn't even know I had applied.

 

Soon, I was ready to start meeting people, and after a brief, unsuitable relationship, I met Tommy. I was weeks away from starting university, I was confident, I was happy, I had the ability to do anything.

 

This was all soon to change...