Its Not as Easy as I Hoped.
So the key to my recovery lie solely with me. I spent years waiting for a magic potion, or for someone to miraculously waft away my fears and troubles. That didn't happen. The only one that could help me, was me. Which was incredibly daunting.
Now. One thing I will say, is that you have to be ready to start your recovery. You have to WANT to get better. I know that sounds silly, as we all want to get better. But many of us want to get better without actually acknowledging that it is all in our hands. We rely on health professionals and medications, we live in a time where if we want something, we want it now. But recovery from mental health illness doesn't work like that. There isn't a specific medicine that we can take to feel better. We may trial several different medicines throughout our time, until we find one that helps to some degree, but no medicine can alter your thoughts. Only you can do that.
Our mind is the most powerful thing we own. More powerful than even the worlds most powerful computer, developed by the worlds most intelligent people. Unfortunately for us, our mind is so powerful, sometimes even we have trouble controlling it.
Learning to get that control back is the first step in recovering from mental illness. And its not easy to do. Its something I have been practicing for a while, and I'm slowly starting to get the hang of it. But again, its not something you can learn overnight. Taking back control of your mind and your thoughts is something that will take practice and time. I know when you are living in the hell that is mental illness, that you don't feel like you can cope with the practice and time, but bear with me here, it is doable.
I know how you feel. I know how terrible it is living with a mental illness, such as panic disorder, anxiety and agoraphobia. I am still living it myself, every single day. I have been so low that I have been admitted to the mental health hospital on two occasions. But I reached the point that everyone needs to reach. To want to get better, and to have the motivation to pursue that.
Early on in my recovery, I visited my uncle. He lives just outside of my comfort zone, but not too much out. I had my Aunt Tre with me. Aunty Tre is one of those magical people. I don't know how, but when she comes down to stay, she has an effect on me that is hard to explain. I almost feel like I can do anything. She builds me full to the brim with confidence and love, and actually makes me want to do anything. I am still very much confined to my comfort zone for 99% of the time she comes to stay. But there is 1% of time that she enables me to push myself, comfortably, and do things I never thought I could. I think everyone in life should have an Aunty Tre. Unfortunately for all of you, this one is mine!
Immerse yourself in someone who does to you what Aunty Tre does to me. Be with someone who gives you confidence and self belief. Some one who loves you for you. Someone who teaches you that it is perfectly OK to fail. Failure is a normal part of life, and just brush it aside and forget it about it, and try again another day.
Anyway, I digress. Aunty Tre and I went to visit my uncle. He is a tattooist. We went to his home which was just slightly outside of my comfort zone. I don't see much of him in all honesty, so going round his was a big step for me in itself. I stressed myself out to the max before hand. I had multiple get out clauses along the way, and forced Aunty Tre to agree that if I said I needed to leave, then we leave, straight away. She agreed, and off we went. And do you know what? I had a great time! As is so often the case with panic disorder, the 'what ifs' and the anticipation of leaving and getting there was FAR worse than the actual event. Was it worth all of the stressing and worrying I did? Absolutely not. Would I do it again? Absolutely I would (and I have done a few times since, all with that same silly anticipatory anxiety but was fine when I was there).
And whilst I was there, between us, we designed this, and I had this done on my lower leg...
She is my little lady! Its an image of a girl, standing, free, as the breeze blows her, and birds fly freely around her. She symbolises the start of my recovery. The point at which I decided to become free of this disorder. She doesn't have a care in the world. Her pose with her arms flung back and head up to the sky is symbolic of someone letting their cares and worries go. Of being at one with themselves. Of being free.
Obviously, I didn't have a tattoo and was suddenly cured. Oh no. But having that done was my starting point. Mental illness IS all in our heads. Literally. It causes us physical and psychological suffering. But we can try and reach a mindset where we are strong enough to start facing those demons, and tackling this head on. And I regularly just look at my little lady (who Ive had for just over a year now), and she reminds me of my challenges. To stay strong, to be free, to be careless. And trust me when I say, if I can do this, then most certainly so can you.
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